I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
