I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
