Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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