sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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