you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
