my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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