I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
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