just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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