Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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