i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
