Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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