Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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