Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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