I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
