My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
