How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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