Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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