Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
