Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
