shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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