You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
That was before I lit my hair on fire
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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