You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
