He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
