i think my mom watched the whole time
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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