yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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