Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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