I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize