So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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