There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
