Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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