so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize