Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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