Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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