all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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