im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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