We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
