I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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