i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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