every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
