Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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