Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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