My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
