Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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