...so i touched it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
