I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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