u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
