she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
