I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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