If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
