Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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