Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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