I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize