the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
