That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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