I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
