Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize