So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
