my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
