Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
