Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
