I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
