My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
This baby is an asshole
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
