Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
