do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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